She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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