My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
