Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
