final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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