I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
My pussy is not your playground.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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