I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
