was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
