i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
ttyl tear gas
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
