He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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