You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
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Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
You pole danced in your parka.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Naked. naked and bneed help.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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