He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
