this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
