Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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