Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Four minutes until I can fart!
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Randomize
