I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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