Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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