Where is the hickey?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Randomize
