I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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