Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
