before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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