I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
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