Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
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Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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