3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
