sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
