my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
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Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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