Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
