Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
