is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
These tits shall not be calmed
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
