I wish I could punch you in the face.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
