maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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