I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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