You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
