M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
