Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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