I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Randomize
