oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
