I love black thongs
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
