I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
