She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize