In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
