i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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