Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
