apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
The Olympian is in my bed
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
