everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
