I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
