There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
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If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
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Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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