I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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