Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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