I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
