you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
