You're completely useless in the revolution.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
