I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
