I am spending my child support on dildos
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
