I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
