I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
