It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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