I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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