I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
