if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
