remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
no you cant smoke seaweed
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
