somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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