I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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